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Thursday 9 June 2016

Empty Threats

The boys are both at that age that they are acting up and being a little bit naughty which means they are needing to be told off. We don't have the naughty step or the being sent to their bedroom as it hasn't worked for us so we are still trying to find what works best for us so that they learn. The one thing we do do is threaten them with things such as no pudding or that we wont go to the park. The problem with this is I am not all that good at following through with my threats.

If they are acting up at the table or not eating their tea then I will tell them that if they don't start behaving they won't have pudding. This is one of main ones that I am rubbish with as I normally give in as I would rather not deal with the huge tantrum that will come with no pudding.

The other problem is threatening them with something that benefits us as well as them, like play dates. If we have a planned play date and they are misbehaving and fighting with each other I will threaten that we won't be going to the play date. The only thing is the play date benefits me as I get to talk to another human and I get to drink HOT tea as the kids will be off playing. And also I don't like to let people down, so if we have plans I don't normally cancel them unless we are poorly.

The park threat is also one that I use quite often but again the park benefits me. It gets us out the house and away from the confided space of the house and gets us some fresh air. I also get to have a sit down while they run off some energy.

Mr C is always telling me to stop threatening things I won't go through with because they know that I won't go through with it, and he is right as they already know.

But I am getting better as the other day Finley was acting up on his scooter and riding into things and just generally being a pain so I said if he carried on I would take it away. He carried on as he usually does so I took away the scooter. We had a melt down, and we had tears but I stuck to my guns and took the scooter off him and carried it. The tantrum was almighty and people looked at me but I needed to stand my ground. When he was due to have it back I asked him not to stand on our gas box outside the house, and because his friend was there he was showing off and kept doing it. So he didn't get his scooter back to go up to tennis. This is something I stuck to and really do hope it made him realise, even if it was just for that one day, that he needs to listen or there will be consequences.

The other thing is when you start something that then turns into a tantrum and because it is then a tantrum you can't go back on your word. This happened at playgroup with Noah the other day. He is very fond of his muslin which comes everywhere with us but I don't like him to run around playing while holding onto it as it gets dragged on the floor and then he sucks it. So I took it away and he shouted and screamed, where at the point it would have been easier to give it back, but because he was tantruming I couldn't. Because if I did he would think he could throw an tantrum and get his own way. This lasted a good 10 minutes but he finally realised he was better off going to go and play.

The other hard thing with once I have gone through with whatever threat it was and the tantrum has ensued is the looks and comments from a few. Just the other day Finley was throwing the strop of all strops and a man turned to me and said 'Oh hes's a bit loud!', had I not been dealing with the tantrum he would have got a few choice words from me.

It's the silly threats that I say while with friends that I have to then go along with because we are in company. Which cause tears and tantrum over something so silly. I don't want to seem weak which sounds utterly silly as they are 2 & 4!!

I really do need to start following through with all of my threats so that the boys know that if they do something wrong or don't listen to me that there will be consequences. This is just terribly hard when they are in the midst of a toddler tantrum! 

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24 comments:

  1. Great post Hun..I really try to follow through as it does work. So if my girly messing with food and not eating we say no pudding and take her plate away. She goes mad but calms and always eats after so gets her yog. Sometimes the threat is enough! Xx #binkylinky

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  2. Well done for standing your ground with the scooter. I am awful at making empty threats, you just feel that actually carrying it through will make your life so much more difficult, it's the wrong way to look at it I suppose because they do have to learn! At least now you have shown you will carry it through the threat of doing it should be enough next time! xx #Picknmix

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  3. If you ever figure this one out please let me know! I find it incredibly difficult to stick to my false threats too. I take one look at her little tear stained face and I know I've lost, aha. I'm sure you'll figure out something soon. (: x
    #justanotherlinky

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  4. I'm so awful at not following through on threats, and I also do the play date thing where I threaten to pull the plug on something that I want to do! I'm trying to be better as empty threats set an inconsistent example, but it is hard. Great post.

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  5. I always try and follow through on threats so try and make sure it's realistic like no TV or no pudding. I can't stand it when parents threaten something that's not realistic like not going on holiday when the cases are all packed! That said it is easy to cave sometimes! #justanotherlinky

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  6. I always try and follow through on threats so try and make sure it's realistic like no TV or no pudding. I can't stand it when parents threaten something that's not realistic like not going on holiday when the cases are all packed! That said it is easy to cave sometimes! #justanotherlinky

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  7. It is such a tricky one but I also try and stick to my guns with punishments. I worry it'll just confuse them if I make empty threats. #justanotherlinky

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  8. Oh the tantrums of following through a threat I know them well and yes being strong is so hard but it does work. As my two know I mean it. I now use till 5 and that's working at the moment 😱 #justanotherlinky

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  9. It's so hard isn't it, when we want to set limits, but love our kids so much and can't bear to see them upset! I always trust my parenting instincts, and if something doesn't feel right, then I don't do it, no matter which parenting expert or book recommended it. I wouldn't worry at all about not following through. Go with your heart! Scientists learn more about how the brain works, there's plenty of evidence to prove that punishments and consequences are a quick fix that works in the moment but actually cause more behaviour problems in the long run.
    Kids definitely do need limits, but there are ways to do it that don't involve threats. There are some great positive parenting websites out there with more effective ways of parenting that go with your heart, google Hand in Hand parenting, Aha Parenting, Janet Lansbury, Positive Parenting Connection. Good luck with finding what works for you. #justanotherlinky

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  10. My 3 YO is playing up at the moment, and it's exhausting. I am also guilty of Empty Threats. Holding thumbs she grows out of it soon! #justanotherlinky

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  12. I was full of empty threats and still am now sometimes if I'm honest... I really need to be stronger because its only for their benefit.. If I really need to lay down the law though I just get the husband to say it, which is shit as they obviously respect his word more than mine lol #justanotherlinky

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  13. Ha I soon learnt not to make threats that I wouldn't follow through on! Well done on sticking to your guns re the scooter incident, he'll definitely remember that. Of course they are always going to scream and shout about it but after a while they soon start to pay attention to the threats and you'll reap the rewards. #justanotherlinky

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  14. I feel like I don't have the time to go through with the threats.. I've got something else to do, go or monitor. It's difficult sometimes! #justanotherlinky

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  15. Sometimes I use empty threats - mainly taking a toy away or saying we won't got somewhere. I also find ignoring them works! Thanks for linking up to the #BinkyLinky

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  16. Great post - I use empty threats all the time, it lasts 2 seconds before they clock. #justanotherlinky

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  17. Excellent post I'm useless at taking things off the girls so you are not alone thanks for linking to the Binkylinky

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  18. Arghhh I really try and sometimes I follow through with the threats but it is hard. I often confiscate toys though which works and we do use the naughty step or time out which works, hate doing it though and it doesn't happen too often. Popping over from the #binkylinky

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  19. I went on a parenting course a few months ago and an autism workshop last week (for my son) and both said the same thing - make your threats something that are realistic and can and will actually follow through with x #justanotherlinky

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  20. I was once so angry with my son that in the heat of the moment I threatened that he would lose iPad rights for the rest of his life. Talk about shooting myself in the foot! My husband immediately said 'What on earth are you doing?!!!!!' I'm dreadful at this. #Justanotherlinky

    Cheers, Maddie (@TheIndeparent @maddiesinclair)

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  21. Stick to it you are doing the right thing.

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  22. Meaning what I say has been I think my best parenting strategy since they were small, I sometimes regret what I threaten them with for misbehaving.... my eldest has had salad cream over his head before erm.... but I always mean what I say and I really do think that, this is what works the best for our family as the children always know where they stand.

    Now that I have a tween who has a hormonal second personality going on.... I may need to find a new tactic as well, or spend a lot more time hiding from him....

    Thanks for linking up to #PicknMix lovely

    Stevie xx

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  23. I can be the queen of empty threats. Like you, when I threaten to take something away or cancel a day, it's actually something that benefits me too, so I wouldn't even dare follow through. Most of the time I try to stand firm but it's so easy to give in isn't it. Kids are sneaky and when they know they can run rings around us, they will! I often begrudge how much our children rule our lives, I have to ask them before I can go for a wee. It's crazy how someone so tiny has so much power! We must get our power back lol x

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  24. I do give in sometimes but I find myself saying no means no no matter how many times you ask or how many different ways you ask. It's so tiring. Thanks for linking to #picknmix

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