Since having my two boys I feel guilty about everything! I never feel like I'm doing the right thing and I'm constantly questioning what I'm doing. But at the same time, I like to do things my way whilst still fishing for advice from friends and family.
Right from the start when Finley was born I would question everything I did. He cried so I questioned whether my breast milk was enough for him and should I give him a bottle. I would text my friends who I knew breastfed and would ask what they did as I wasn't sure if I was doing it right. And then when he went onto solid I would feel guilty if I bought pre-made food when I was too tired to make up a batch of homemade food.
I fell pregnant with my second when my youngest was 13 months old. So as I got bigger and it got hotter (I was due in July 2013), my energy levels dropped. Finley has always been so energetic and all I wanted to do was sit. I felt so guilty for not being able to squeeze through all those small tunnels and gaps at soft play and for sitting in the garden watching him play as my body would just not give me the energy to play.
When Noah was born I also breastfed him but he didn't put weight on too quickly. He had a tongue tie that was found at 4 weeks old and as such he wasn't able to feed properly for the first few weeks. This meant my supply hadn't been established properly from the start. But I was told by the health visitors to keep going with the breastfeeding. He put on weight but very slowly, and he was 'scrawny' as my Nan puts it. As soon as I gave him a bottle his weight picked up. However, I still feel guilty for not putting him on the bottle sooner.
Now the boys are getting older they fight and they push the boundaries more and know how to push my buttons. I try and stay relatively calm but the time that I do shout at them 10 minutes later I feel guilty for it and wish I had just remained calm.
When we have had a really rough night with one of the boys and I am so tired my eyes are finding it very hard to stay open, I may give them a biscuit or some chocolate to keep them quiet and occupied for a while. Or I may let my youngest have sugar puffs for breakfast as it will take him half an hour to eat the bowl of them. But then I feel guilty for giving it to them as I feel they were for selfish reasons.
When Finley plays up, and sometimes it really gets to me, I question myself as a mother and if it was something I had done along the way.
I feel guilty when we stay at home all day.
I question whether I take them out to soft play enough or whether I take them to the park enough.
I really do feel that I can never do the right thing but I think this is just part and parcel of being a mummy. I think its because we want to be the best we can be. With all the social media we want to be the perfect parent. But social media doesn't show all the rough times other parents have, we see the pictures of children playing happily together and all sitting around a table eating lunch nicely but what we don't see is the screaming tantrums when they had to leave the park, or the fights over a toy that they both wanted. Or the throwing of the food because its not what they wanted!
I really wish I could go through everyday and know I was doing it all right but is there a right way?!
I want my children to look back on their childhood fondly. I really want to be the best parent in the world to them...