You know when you have one of those days that you feel like a total failure as a mother? When there is nothing you can do that seems to make the children happy and every activity ends in a tantrum from one or both of them. And when your patience level is at an all time low.
That is me today and I really don't know why.
Today seems to have just been a test from start to finish, and it's not even finished. I think the fact I know that the hubby won't be home until after bedtime doesn't help.
The very word that I wanted to hear so badly is granting on me today and even as I am writing this the guilt is bubbling inside me. I love them so much and there is nothing they could do to ever change that but that word 'mummy' today is just over used!
It's being said for no reason at all. When I answer, which I do every time in the hope they may actually need or want me, most of the time they don't and they look at me blankly and carry on with whatever they are doing.
Finley just seems to be crying for no reason. It's a temper cry due to something not going his way, at least its not a tantrum! We went to Westonbirt Arboretum to get us all out the house and to have a picnic. The moment we got there Finley broke down as he was hungry and couldn't wait the 5 minutes I had asked him to until we got to a bench.
My patience level is at an all time low and this is probably one of the main factors that today is going like it is. I am there mum and I should be able to tolerate them and take all the crap they throw at me. But today I could just break.
We got home and I thought it would be a nice idea to do some painting. Well, they decided to flick paint everywhere and then paint themselves. All I thought was not today, please not today! So the paints got packed away. Now they are playing bumper cars in the garden in the cosy coupes, I can cope with that just not sure the neighbours can with their screeching!
And the fact my BRAND NEW 2 week old washing machine has broken and they have told me it will be a week until they can fix it isn't helping with my mood.
There is also the fact the house is on the market so I am doing my best to keep it tidy but with two children that's pretty hard to have it spotless all the time. And I feel like an awful mum for telling the boys to not make too much mess.
I love every second I spend with them even if they drive me round the bend but I just feel today I am not being the mum my boys deserve and that I could do better. Tomorrow is another day and I'm sure tomorrow I will wake up with some more patience but today - I just don't like today!
And I could cry and I need a hug - but that's one thing I can do, be strong until they are in bed and then cry into my dairy milk.