As I sit here with my eldest toddler's head in my lap, dozing in and out of sleep due to a nasty virus that has taken away my lively little boy for a few days I am reflecting.
And how much it has changed in 4 years. Just over 4 years ago we announced we were to be parents for the first time. Our 2 was to become 3 and our sleep was to be no more!
But the day that my little Finley pops entered my life my world changed. For the better. It was full of nappies, sore boobs and sleepless nights. We still have the sleepless nights but I wouldn't change a second of it. Finley and Noah have bought so much into my life. Feelings that I didn't know existed and joys I wouldn't have felt without their presence. I'm not saying motherhood has been easy. As it hasn't been the easiest of rides and I know we are still on that roller coaster for the rest of our lives but it's a roller coaster I'm so glad I jumped on. The moment they placed Finley in my arms after quite a scary few hours my heart rushed with love with this little bundle that now depended solely on me and my husband.
Not the best photo of me sorry
This scared me as I had ever only been responsible for cooking my husbands tea and even then if I didn't he was more than capable of doing it himself, or driving to McDonald's! But Finley relied on us. To feed him. To clothe him. To show him and teach him about the world. And most importantly love him. The last one was the easy part that needed no learning as it was instant with no questions asked.
From that day I couldn't just go for nights out when I wanted, I couldn't just pop to the shops without it being a military operation. But I didn't mind. As this little guy that had just come into my life was now my world and my world revolved around him. And I was happy about this. This is what I had always wanted. To be a Mummy.
If we had had a tough day - which we had plenty of as Finley had reflux - I couldn't just reach for the wine. As I knew I was going to be woken about 6 times in the middle of the night by a hungry baby.
I cant even explain the love I felt and still feel. It took me by surprise, I knew I would love him but this feeling was out of this world. And if anyone was to say anything bad about him it would make me so mad. I wouldn't actually say anything to them but inside I was raging mad!
My Saturdays were no longer filled with shopping trips and late lunches with friends, but I was in my pyjamas until 1 in the afternoon when I would then shower, get dressed and not even bother to apply make up as it was to be bed time soon.
It also changed me as a person. For the better I believe. I became a lot less selfish as I think when you don't have children you can be selfish. You can buy that extra pair of jeans or you can cancel on friends if you didn't fancy going out. But since I have had Finley and Noah, money is spent on them. When I walk into a shop I head straight for the children's clothes and completely bypass the women's clothes section. With regards to friends, I cherish them. I know that I need them and if I was to cancel on them for no specific reason they may not be there the next time. And I needed them and still do.
I have also become a worrier. I worried before but now I worry about everything. I worry what people think. I worry what people say about me. I worry if the boys cough. I worry if someone comes into our zone with a cough in case the boys are ill. I just worry about the most irrational things.
I have also become a lot more loving and caring. I take time for people and the people that take time for us I love them so much more than I did before. And the people that take time for the boys, well they will be loved forever!
My priorities have changed. My priority is my family and I do everything that I do for them.
That day Finley was placed in my arms I became mummy and my life changed for the better and I live for them.
I never thought I would love anyone the same way as I did Finley but when Noah joined our gang my love doubled and multiplied and just got so much bigger for them both.