I have thought long and hard about writing this post. I have gone to write it a few times but then have backed out. But now feel I have to, for me, to get it off my chest.
When do we give up? When do we let that friendship that once meant so much to us go? The one that you have been holding onto, one sided, with the other end of the friendship rope hanging because they let go a long time ago.
Writing this fills me with emotion. There is a lump in my throat as I just want to cry. Thinking of all the times we laughed until we cried but also the times that I have felt so let down. It hurts but it have finally come to the conclusion that so many people have been telling me for a while now. The friendship is lost. And I don't know how to get it back.
I have grabbed at it so many times to try and revive it. When we used to get together it used to be easy. No fight for conversation. No awkward silences. But now there is. And I really don't know why and I don't know what has happened for it to get to this.
There are many types of friendships. Ones that you have had since school, that you do not talk to that often but when you do, you pick up from where you left off. Ones we have made along the way, that we will meet for coffee once in a while to catch up and ones that really mean something, that we really care about. These friendships can be years old or they can be recently found friendships.
I put a lot of effort into friendships. And I worry a lot. I feel once you put that friends label on it you make the effort. One friendship was formed a few years ago and has really meant so much to me. I wont go into detail but we did so much together and she meant, still does and always will do, so much to me.
But something changed. I'm not sure what but it did. And life seemed to get in the way. And it was always me making the effort to meet, me texting her, me setting up coffee dates to just be cancelled on the day before because of something that I knew was an excuse. And the last few days I have really been thinking of this friendship and it breaks my heart but I think we are at the end. I will always be there and when she wants to pick up the phone to me I will be there within a shot as I will never give up on something that meant so much to me. But I just cant do it anymore. I cant fight for something when the other person doesn't want to fight for it. I cant be let down. Be cancelled on. Not be bothered with.
We need more than just contact at Birthdays and Christmas.
I know once we have a family that our priorities change and that our time for others outside of our little family unit is limited. And I don't expect to be a huge part of their lives as time with our family is precious but we all need friends as well.
So I am going to take a step back and see what happens. See if I mean as much to her as she means to me.
I am now thinking do I post this. What if she reads it. But I know she wont as she doesn't know me anymore, as she doesn't seem to want to. I'm not part of her life anymore. As much as I try to be.
Since becoming a mum I have realised what is really precious in life. I don't have the time I used to, to maintain friendships, so we do find our true friends after having children as I believe the ones that are true to us stay with us and will help maintain the friendship we have. Through thick and thin, in both lives - mine and theirs.
I hope I am wrong and I hope I get a call in a few days that will make me realise I was just being silly. But I don't think I will. There is always wishful thinking though.
Sometimes you have to let go to know that its real.