Tuesday 11 August 2015

Hiding Our Own Fears From Our Children

We all have fears don't we. Some bigger than others. My husband would say he has no fears. Some may fear flying and some may fear cats. Every fear has the same relevance as it effects, or will effect, you life in some way. I am scared of flying but I will fly and I scared of large open water but I will still go near a lake or go on a boat trip. These are fears that I can overcome when I need to.

Then there are the fears I can't. The ones that make me cry and run away in actual fear. I'm scared of creepy crawlies but I don't cry with these, I do run though. With snakes they really make me on edge and do make me cry. This was proved the other day when I took the boys, along with my friend, to an activity put on by our local children centre. It was 'Andy's Meet The Critters'. I did think twice about going but then thought I needed to go for the boys. I didn't want my fear to hold them back from meeting animals and I didn't want them to have my fear, which may I add that I have no clue where it came from.

We went and they got a small snake out. I felt a little funny and stayed a good distance away but felt ok. Then Finley wanted to go and see the snake. Luckily my friend was happy to go over with him and Finley had the snake around his neck.


They then brought more and more snakes out, getting larger each time until there were 4 in the room. At this point I literally stood by the door because I felt like anywhere else in the room then I would turn round and there would be a snake.

Noah wasn't that bothered about seeing the snakes so he stayed with me while Finley went from snake to snake, touching them and holding them.



Then they brought out a huge snake. And when I say huge I mean humongous! I have never moved so quick from the seat I was in to the door. My friend then came to get Noah so he could have a look, so I was on my own. Then they put the snake on the floor. I freaked out. I went out the door and was in floods of tears. I felt silly but couldn't help myself. I felt ill and the just looked through the glass in the door.

I got myself together and went back into the room. Finley ran over to me and was telling me all about the snakes but all I wanted to do was to get out of that room. It was coming to the end of the session so we left after another 10 minutes and the relief I felt was incredible.

This got me thinking about how the boys are going to pick up on my fears. And I don't want them to. This is one of the reasons I went to the session because I wanted to conquer this fear and make the boys proud. But I haven't. Luckily the boys didn't seen me get overly upset with the large snake but Finley had asked me 'Why are you scared Mummy?', and I didn't quite know how to answer.

I think my fear came from my Mum as she is scared of creepy crawlies and snakes. I don't want to boys to have any fears. I know they will but I don't want them to have any fears that they have picked up from me.

I am not a fan of spiders but when we have one in the house we say 'hi Mr skinny legs' (from Peppa Pig) whereas before I would have run away like a little girl.

However hard it is to hide these fears I think we need to try our hardest to not show them in front of our children. I did my best the other day so that I could capture the moment on my phone so that Finley has a photo of that moment he met a snake for the first time but the feeling I felt inside was awful. But this is what being a mum is, doing things out of our comfort zone for our children.

Do our fears come from our parents/relatives? Should we just avoid any situation when with our children that would involve one of our fears or do we hit it head on and face it for them?

I hit mine head on yesterday and at the time it felt like the most awful experience but looking back now I am glad I did it for Finley. Even if it wasn't me stood next to him while he met the snakes, I was in the room to see him do it. And I am one proud mummy for him doing this. And I am also very lucky to have a friend who wasn't scared of snakes but had never had an encounter with one before to take his hand and show him.
The Twinkle Diaries
And then the fun began...
Best of Worst

23 comments:

  1. I think they can come from our parents definitely, as well as being brought on through negative experiences /associations with something that is similar to or represents the thing we are scared of. I think you were very brave to try and conquer your fear of snakes. Even if it was picked up on that you were afraid, you have also shown that you are willing to face that fear and attempt to conquer it. You showed that you were brave. I'm terrified of clowns. And I tell you this now. There is no way on this earth I would go anywhere near a clown. I have no motivation whatsoever to try and conquer that fear!! So well done!!

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  2. I think it's always a worry that your kids will pick up on fears and I often have conversations with my friends about this...I'm scared of spiders, one work colleague is scared of dogs and another petrified of plastic animals(!!!) Well done going back in that room and taking photos! Not sure I could go near a live snake and I don't even really have a phobia of them either. boys always love creepy crawlies and all that stuff so hopefully they won't get your fear.

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  3. Bless you that must have been tough. I do think some come from parents but others are just there. My girl is a bit funny around spiders and we have never shown fear there. I'm terrified of daddy long legs though and know I couldn't hide it though I do try. I think all we can do is try our best and be honest with our children if we are scared so they at least understand xx #twinklytuesday

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  4. Well done for hiding your fears! I've found that it starts eradicating our own phobias along the way which can't be a bad thing. I used to be terrified of wasps (because my mother is, and never hid her own fears) but can now stand stock still until they fly by. I've also hurt myself but instead of screaming in pain just hold my breath and it passes so much quicker :o) I've definitely become less of a wuss since having kids! #thetruthabout

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  5. Wow, that was a huge task to tackle! I have thought the same way about not wanting to show my girls my fears- before I would have run away from bugs and such but now I catch and release like a pro, if I do say so myself. Dogs also used to scare me but now I spend a lot of time and effort trying to convince my 3-year-olds that dogs are nice and wonderful! :) #twinklytuesday

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  6. He is a brave little dude! I must say pet snakes don;t bother me but i know they are not everyone's thing! #Twinklytuesday

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  7. This was so very brave of you to do, and it's so great that you went especially for the kid's benefit. I am not a great fan of creepycrawlies either! #twinklytuesday

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  8. There are all sorts of reasons that people pick up phobias and fears. sometimes they are learnt and other times they are the brain making an incorrect association with something. (I work with people with phobias). You did really well to go. You also proved something to yourself too. Although you felt it was a disaster at the time because you did react, you proved that you can survive in that situation. I bet if 6 months ago someone had told that you would have been in a room with that many snakes for that long and a massive snake, you would not have believed it. As for passing them on to our children then I personally would only mention it if they notice. If they do see you are scared then you can explain very simply (not the emotions) but that you feel worried but actually there is nothing to be worried about and that you know you will be fine. That way they don't carry the suspicion that there must be something secret or dangerous going on that they don't understand. Often when we keep things matter of fact and short then children are just happy to accept what we say without it provoking issues. You will have to judge what you feel is right for your own children. I hope that helps. I think you can be proud of yourself. Kirsten

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  9. You did really well! I think I would be physically sick if I had to share a room with spiders, and I'd definitely struggle to take my children to visit a creepy crawly visity thingy like that. I take my massive floral hat off to you, because I agree that it is important not to let your fears hold them back.
    So well done!
    x Alice
    #TwinklyTuesday

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  10. Oh this is something I'm so conscious of. And not just my fears, but my 'checking' habits as well. I have this thing where I find it really hard to leave the house without checking I've locked the door loads of times. I'm really trying to conquer that because I don't want it be something my children start doing too. x

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  11. I think you did really well to go along. You may think you didn't conquer your fears because you were afraid and cried but... you still took your boys and you didn't run away so that's a big step in the right direction! I think kids do pick up on things so I try to be careful not to show my boys how gross I think big spiders are. We're all human though aren't we and can only do our best! #thetruthabout

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  12. I wrote a similar post a while ago. It's spiders for me (and sharks but we don't often come across those) and I feel so embarrassed about it. I really don't want my girls to pick up on my fear but I literally break a sweat and buckle at the knee at the sight of one! My words definitely don't match my tone/face/body language so I wonder if they've already picked up that I don't quite mean 'aw, he's a nice friendly one, isn't he?' #TwinklyTuesday

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  13. I listened to a podcast called Invisibilia which looked into all these different invisible human behaviours including fear and how we experience it and they actually looked into how snakes move and whether they release some kind of pheromone to induce fear in other species so I don't think you can necessarily pass a fear like that on to your children but I can see exactly what you are saying. I really believe that all those helicopter parents who hover over their children in playgrounds and discourage them from climbing or accessing certain play equipment through their own fears are actually causing more harm than good because they are the ones teaching their kids to question themselves and hold back in life. I think there is no real harm in your children having a healthy fear of a potentially dangerous creature! Thanks for linking up Xx #thetruthabout

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  14. Well done for even being in the room, truly amazing despite your reactions and feelings! I used to literally get palpitations from spiders but I've be one braver now I have children. I can actually catch one and put it outside now whereas before the yellow pages would have been grabbed! It's wasps for me, I make no attempt at hiding my fear and dislike. My son is scared stiff of anything that flies which is my fault and my mums fault (she's slso terrified of flies) interesting isn't it?? X

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  15. Oh I thought this post was lovely - thanks for sharing with #bestandworst x

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  16. Oh I thought this post was lovely - thanks for sharing with #bestandworst x

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  17. Oh my goodness - I think you did so well, what a lovely Mummy and some great pics of your little guy having a fab time x

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  18. I remember my mum screaming blue murder at a spider when I was little and scaring the bejeezus out of me. Now I'm also terrified. Not sure I'll be able to hide it from my tot but I'll try. I think it's a survival thing to share fears with our kids so they didn't go poking big snakes with sticks back when we were living in caves. Well done you for facing your fears and agreeing to take them!

    #bestandworst

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  19. Well done you for facing your fear for the sake of your kids, don't be hard on yourself as it sounds like you did so well! I think the same as you that I don't want my fears to affect the kids, I'm sure they'll have enough fears of their own xx

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  20. Well done you for facing your fear for the sake of your kids, don't be hard on yourself as it sounds like you did so well! I think the same as you that I don't want my fears to affect the kids, I'm sure they'll have enough fears of their own xx

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  21. Well done for facing your fears. I absolutely hate spiders but of course Zach is interested in them so I try not to show him my fear. I still can't remove them myself but I no longer squish them!! My issue with bees and wasps though - that is sadly coming up in him too - reading this, I'll try and be a bit more positive about them! Thanks so much for linking up with #TwinklyTuesday

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  22. Well done for facing your fear, it is so hard to control because like you say if its a fear you have no control over it, however insignificant it may be to someone else its a big deal to you. I hate spiders, but luckily Harry is good with them and will try and move them for me, yes my 6 year old saves me from spiders lol. however I am petrified of wasps and bees, I don't mean to be and I try my hardest to put on a brave face, but I just cannot sit still like you should, even my 4 year old is better at standing still then I am. James always tells me off for passing on my fears, but I am torn on what I think of this yes I think they can pick up on your fears, but if handled ok I don't think its the end of the world if they know you are scared of something if that makes sense. #TwinklyTuesday

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